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The fine art of Bullshit - Part one

Thursday January 26, 2006

This is what I hope will become a new series, as and when I get time. What I have noted is that when doing business you have to know bullshit. You have to know bullshit not only to avoid it but also to deliver it in a convincing manner.

I could sum the whole series up in one soundbite: You can’t bullshit a bullshiter. But hey, I wanna get some mileage out of this. So on to part one:

When delivering bullshit, be prepared

If you know you are going to be delivering bullshit to someone with even a little knowledge on the subject you are going to talk about, it pays to be prepared. To illustrate my point let’s look at a phone call I received last week. I will have to paraphrase but the meat of the conversation you are about to read is for real, 100% true, I couldn’t quite believe it.

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Mr. Olden.

Me: Sorry, there is no Mr. Olden here.

Caller: Oh, errr, okay thank you.

I knew this person was after me because they had been phoning for two days, not leaving a number and getting my name wrong, my project manager (that’s the Missus to you and me) had warned me about the calls. Needless to say the phone rang again.

Caller: Hello errr, Mr. Olden?

Me: No there is no-one here by that name.

Caller: No, John Olden? Or John Ogden?

Me: Nope, there is a John Oxton?

Caller (sounding very excited): Oh yes that’s him.

Me: Right, how can I help you?

Caller: I have been asked to call you by [a client of mine] regarding Google search engine.

At this point I started rubbing my hands, oh deep deep joy, this is gonna be fun, a client has bounced a sales call my way.

Me: Okay, go ahead.

Caller (sounding a little nervous): Well, we have invested £12 million in Google and we own the front page.

Me (surprised): Oh really? Okay, so let’s see now I am just typing Jewellers in to Google. So you are saying you own these results?

Caller: Yes, that’s right.

Me: No, that’s simply not possible, do you mean the adWords?

Caller: Shelia…. Shelia… are you using that computer? Good, can I borrow it for a second? Errrr, right, errr if you type Google Warwickshire in to Google.

Me: Why?

Caller: Err,uhmm, Shelia! Errr no sorry I am going mad … [laughs] I meant Jewellers Warwickshire.

Me: Right?

Caller: Well we own that front page.

Me: We already discussed this, you can’t own the front page, it’s not possible, do you mean adWords?

Caller: Errr, yes that’s it. We’ve bought a load of keywords that we now own.

At this point the caller was sounding very nervous. She was bullshitting and she wasn’t prepared for someone to question what she was saying. Lesson one, be in front of a computer when you are about to bullshit about Google. Lesson two, get your keywords..errr, sorry, adWords straight in your head before you start. I decided to help her out.

Me: So let’s just get this clear, what you are selling is the ads on the right of the search results yeah?

Caller (sound relieved): Yes, that’s right.

Me: Okay, so why should I pay you for adWords when me and my client can just start our own campaign directly.

Caller: Because we have spent £4 million with Google and we own certain keywords.

By now I was just in shock, this was bullshit in the raw, not even dressed as turd. So I decided to throw PageRank into the mix, just for fun.

Me: Right okay, so what can you do to improve my client’s PageRank.

Caller: Silence

Me: It’s just that I usually try my best to get my clients to focus on PageRank a little, if they are interested, because it generally makes for a better website with fresh content. Doesn’t always work of course. But take my own site, the last time I looked the PageRank was 7, not bad eh?

This is all bullshit of course I never talk about the actual term PageRank with my clients but it sounded good, no?

Caller: Oh well, for a small independent like you, you’d pay £29 per month…

Me (angry): You WHAT? No I won’t! I get anywhere between 2,000 – 5,000 visits per day on my site!

Caller: Yes, well if you are getting 5,000 hits…

Me: No, I SAID VISITS not HITS!

Lesson number three, don’t even gently poke the ego of an almost famous blogger who does web standards, it’s gonna be a disaster.

Me: Look, I have to go to a meeting now can you send me an email with all the details?

Caller: Errr, eh.. yes sure what’s your email address?

Me: johnoxton [at] gmail [dot] com. Okay thank you. goodbye

Caller: bye

Strangely, I have not yet received an email with further information and I kick myself now for not getting their URL to publish here.

So, there we have it, our caller had not prepared, she wasn’t ready and she lost the sale as a result. Though I must admit she’d have had to prepared for a long, long time to peddle the crap she was selling.

  1. Steven Woods

    1077 days ago

    http://www.parm.net/web2.0/

    :-)

    BTW – you do realise they probably make a killing by phoning people less knowledgable than yourself…. sad but true, I’d wager :-(

  2. Kate Bolin

    1077 days ago

    At the last place I worked, I sat near the sales guy. And because the director wouldn’t allow him any time to do any research (Sales! Nothing but sales! No time to study anything, you gotta sell sell sell!), he’d have to talk about accessibility, usability, and even our own products without actually knowing what they were or what they did.

    Absolutely cringeworthy to listen to. And, obviously, he didn’t make that many sales, because he didn’t have the time to research.

  3. Ryan Brill

    1077 days ago

    Lol… I did almost the exact same thing once… Had them so flustered they ended up hanging up on me... There’s bragging rights for ya – get a tellemarketer to hang up on you rather than the other way around. ;)

  4. burk

    1077 days ago

    LOL :D One thing I don’t understadn, what are they trying to sell you? You have to post this on thedailywtf.com :D

  5. Dennis Bullock

    1077 days ago

    BS is an art form that if done right is a wonderful piece but if done wrong can be tragic.

  6. Olly

    1077 days ago

    I’m the sort of person that would have picked them up on the millions of pounds.

    “¬£4m? Hold on, you it was ¬£12m a minute ago.”

    Mwahahahaaa!

  7. Joshua Kendall

    1076 days ago

    I have someone calling me trying to sell me either something similar or trying to just sell me a web site. I haven’t had the pleasure of actually being home when they call but when I finally catch them…Oh, I’m going to confuse the shit out of them. :)

  8. anonymuis

    1076 days ago

    hah i think that the caller doesnt even know PageRank _

  9. Ross

    1076 days ago

    Bullshitting only works if the bullshitter is on the informed side of the fence.

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