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Hits for Shits

Monday October 24, 2005

Being a super famous blogger with amazing good looks and a huge penis, people tend to get a little bit jealous of my position and sometimes they like to have a little jab. There was a time when I used to get a bit upset about it, endless nights I used to spend wondering why they thought of me as such a horrible person?

And then someone pointed out that when I blog the way I do I am asking for it; not unlike a sexy women who goes out to nightclub in a short skirt I guess.

Anyway, I finally worked out what it’s all about, traffic and not penis size after all. What it’s all about is me having a high traffic site and them not; they can’t understand why I should have a lot of undeserved traffic with my humorless brand of drivel whilst their genius goes largely unnoticed, so they strike and they often pick me because I am, after all, just asking for it.

So, to try and help these wonderful people I am starting the Hits for Shits program, a charitable service that aims to donate much needed traffic to the poor undervalued bloggers of the world.

Of course much like the African problem, where emergency relief will solve the short term problem but long term change is required for the continent to survive, so a short term burst of traffic will give our disgruntled blogger his first ever erection, in the long term it is likely that only Viagra and a blow up doll with get to the heart of the problem.

So remember, if you need traffic badly just chuck an insult my way and I’ll send you some traffic.

  1. David Appleyard

    1171 days ago

    So cynical :) – I’m glad I subscribe to this, it brightens my day.

  2. lm lm

    1171 days ago

    you are not reflecting to “grumpy old men” arent you? its a bbc pro – your britney whinning just reminded me of it. And yes you completely deserve a huge traffic.

  3. Christian

    1171 days ago

    I don’t know what I find so interesting here, maybe just the fascination of your bus full of hippies, and then I happen to read the text at the same time ;)
    Because you’re worth it…

  4. Alex Giron

    1171 days ago

    You should list the fuckers… that way you’re happy, and they are happy.

    :p

  5. Keith

    1171 days ago

    yeah brittish epenises can’t compair to good old fashioned American ePeni !!!!! (is peni a word?)

    Any way sorry , love the blog but I’m taking you up on your offer for hits. :)

  6. martin smith

    1170 days ago

    heh…... snigger… (like a gift from gods but puts fist in mouth to supress tarade of abuse)... splutter… frnark!!

  7. Pinkfin

    1170 days ago

    I think you have it wrong, to a g33k girl, hard drive size is more important.

    Girl 1: “He’s so small – 40gb!”
    Girl 2: “LOLOLOL I’d dump him on the spot!”

  8. Timmargh

    1170 days ago

    The only insult I’d hurl is for making me nearly choke on my coffee.

    Mental note: do not drink whilst reading this blog again.

  9. Ben Ward

    1169 days ago

    So how should this work then? Should we go for a:

    “Dear Mr Oxton,

    I’m long time reader of your weblog and believe you to be a talentless bum. You’d be nothing without that loveable European rogue drawing pictures for you.

    What’s more, I’ve told you 5 times about the numpty taborder of your comments form, and the lowercase ‚Äòp’ in the Preview button and yet still you persist being a respected member of the British web design scene. I know more than you about everything and I’m slimmer.

    If I could only reach level 37 at Dark Age of Camelot I’d cast a plague upon you and the other hobbits that live in your realm of Wales.

    Anyway, please rectify this injustice by providing a prominent hyperlink to my homepage from yours and having a shave. Also, please get me into the Brit Pack, free tickets to the next @media and some celebrity graphics for my homepage.

    Yours sincerely,

    Upset, Manchester”

    Or, should we be cutting to the chase?

    “Dear Cunt,
    Link to me.”

  10. Max

    1169 days ago

    You suck. Send hits to my site.

    That is all.

  11. Max

    1169 days ago

    (the previous comment was made in jest)

  12. Ben Ward

    1169 days ago

    Now y’see Max, that was really just a reworking of my second proposed ‚ÄòOxton Success Grievence’ template. As a result of your petty plagiarism, you are now contractually obliged to link to my site, get me into the Brit Pack (or another cabal of greater or equal power), buy me an @media ticket and make my breakfast.

    ‚ÄòWhat contract?’ I hear you yelp when the bacon fat fizzes up and burns you to your soul? Yes.

  13. Max

    1167 days ago

    It was, I will admit, blatant plagiarism. However, I doubt that my linking to your site will do you much good, seeing as my site hasn’t been updated in nearly a month and nobody cares about it. (watch for a huge update as soon as I’m done working on the other 20 bazillion projects I’m doing). As for the breakfast, how do blueberry pancakes sound?

  14. nortypig

    1164 days ago

    Is funny and I laffs and laffs…

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