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An open to letter to A. Troll

Wednesday March 2, 2005

Dear Anonymous Troll,

I would like to offer you a little tip, one that will keep you entertained for hours, one that should ease the pain you must feel from never having had a boyfriend/girlfriend/friend.

What you will need

  1. Your favourite 2 second porn clip.
  2. If you are left handed, your right arm. If you are right handed, your left arm.
  3. Screen wipes.

Method

Open up your favourite porn clip and set it to loop continuously. Try and find one that loops smoothly, this will enhance the experience no end. Or, if you have a credit card, go one better, download a full movie!

Now, take that arm of yours (remember use the one that you don't write with, this again will enhance the experience and leave you free to make one or two word, dull ass, anonymous comments). Sit on your arm for twenty minutes or at least until it goes really numb.

Hopefully, this numbness will alleviate some of your loneliness, for I hear tell that it is not dissimilar to having someone else do it for you. Note: If it's close but not quite what you were looking for, try sticking your tongue out a little during the process, this may help.

The screen wipes are, I admit, a little ambitious. I think it is unlikely you will need them to wipe down your monitor, though I may be underestimating the excitement factor here. Either way they are a little more subtle than having toilet roll sat on your desk and that extra moisture will help to clean up your sticky fingers.

With all this done and your sexual frustration alleviated, I hope you will now be able to interact with society in a more positive way, m'kay.

Kind Regards and Smooches,

John.

  1. Martin

    1255 days ago

    Im guessing there is a specific target for this post?

  2. Pierce

    1255 days ago

    Wow, never heard of this numb arm thing. I’ll have to try it.

  3. Jon Hicks

    1255 days ago

    Oh my, we are pissed off aren’t we! ;o)

    You need cheese…

  4. Chris McLeod

    1255 days ago

    Jon – everybody needs cheese…

  5. Hayo Bethlehem

    1255 days ago

    So I’m still allowed to make crappy comments, as long as you can ID me?

  6. Hayo Bethlehem

    1255 days ago

    Well, do you? I mean, reaaally?

  7. Indranil

    1255 days ago

    sit.. on.. left.. arm.. must.. try.
    But wait, I have a girlfriend! hmm..

  8. Rob Mientjes

    1255 days ago

    John, you know my IP, right? It wasn’t me, right?
    Was it me? Damn!

  9. Martin

    1255 days ago

    So… sit on screen wipes until girlfriends right arm falls off…

  10. Schultzy

    1255 days ago

    Everyone should have their brains tagged with a chip, if they spam people the chip should explode.

    Hopefully this make create alot of cleaning jobs for the unemployed.

  11. Anton

    1255 days ago

    Damn… why didn’t you explain that this shouldn’t be done at work???

    and how long before my arm isn’t numb anymore? It’s all funny looking….

    I could mention how hard it is to wipe semen off of a 23” HD Display, but then I’d be pushing the edge of “not funny anymore” (damn! too late!!).

  12. Schultzy

    1254 days ago

    What do i do with the other hand?

    Do I wave at passers by?
    I think you should explain in more detail.

  13. Anton

    1254 days ago

    oooh… good question.

    do you think he might want exclusive rights to that hand?

  14. Jeff Wheeler

    1254 days ago

    Blast! I’ll have to change my ip next time…

    (alright, I admit, that wasn’t so funny, but ignore this part, and pretend it was)

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